The Hades Show Ratings Crisis!
by GillyRose
Summary: Despite Hades best efforts ratings are down in the Underworld talkshow, and Pain and Panic come up with a new concept to boost the numbers...Hades interviewing Disney villains!


The Boss is NOT is a ratings crisi on The Hades Show, and despite their best attempts, Pain and Panic have not been able to get the numbers out of the cellar...{Not..this is probably a lot funnier if you know your mythological characaters.}

**Pain! _Panic!...get on over here... _we have to have_ a Meeting!..._**

**Pain****..._Again!_** aw,_ please,_ Boss, my _face_ just grew back!'

**Hades**...Mighta thought of that before ya_ screwed up_, Pal...ratings are down- advertising's off...I'm a _laughing_ stock here...and _Someone_ needs to take the _heat..._

**Panic **... But...But _Hades,_ we're doin' the best we _can._...

**Hades**_..._...you_ are,_ huh?_..._.then tell me _this...Whose_ bright idea was it to book _Priapus_ and _Diana of Epheseus_ on the _same show?..._

**Pain**...Well...we...uh...

**Hades**..._Hot _news flash, Genious...you _don't_ sit a demi-god with the world's biggest _schlong_ next to a goddess with 200 _boobs!..._

**Panic** ...Actually, we thought they were kinda good together...

**Pain**...Yeah...they made a nice couple!

**H****ades**..._You_ were'nt sitting _next_ to them. He almost put my _*&^%%&* Eye _out!...Oy! OK, next... which one of you _speed bumps _booked Niobe?_... What_ were you thinking?Who the_ hell_ wants to watch _a rock cry for two hours?_ Was that D_epressing _enough or what?

**Pain**... well Boss, I-

**Hades**...And _Melampus!_ a guy who comes on and talks to his pet termites _for 20 minutes...Termites_?Termites and a crying rock...**_beautiful_**. A _real_ laugh-a-minute-ratings booster! I can't take much more of this, you _morons._...my _legendary_ patience... is running on Empty!

**Pain**...But were doin our best

**Hades**... Your best, huh? do us all a favor... keep an eye on your IQ...when it gets to 50, **SELL!"**

**Panic**{cringing}So...what are ya_ sayin',_ Boss?

**Hades.**...Let me_ nutshell _it for you...you come up with a _completely _different format that puts ratings through the _roof_ and makes _me_ a household name and Top God on everyone's _Best Loved Deity List _..._OR_...you stand there doing _nothing _like you _usually_ do and I tap your spinal fluid for _salad_ dressing._ Capiche?_

**Panic**..._clear as a bell!_ uh...yeah...sure...well ..._funny_ you should mention it 'cause we Were thinkin' of maybe putting on a new reality show twist ...about...uh...yeah...

**Hades**...OK?...so...?

**Panic**_..._well...we call it_ "Hellenic Survivor?"..._ We put a dozen mortals on plague ridden Cyclopes Island with no food and no water and tell Nemesis they're planning to start their own religion ?

**Hades**...Hmmm...No insurance would kill us.

**Panic**_..._Oh I Know! _I _Know!...how about..."_The Aphrodite WebClam!" _we sneak a secret camera inside the Goddess of Love's shell without her knowing and just film _everything_ she does in there 24 hours a day!...

**Hades**...and when _Hephaestus_ finds out who snuck in the cameras he will be aiming _very_ large thunderbolts at _very_ small orifices...Any _other_ bright ideas that don't involve internal combustion?

**Pain**...OK...OK ...how about..._.."Joe Divinity"..._we get an "average Joe" type and gussy him up and tell his dates he's a demigod king living in a solid gold palace in a magical kingdom but in _reality_ he's a diseased galley slave from Crete and every week we get to watch beautiful horrible snotty women make fools of themselves on National Tartarus Vision?

**Hades**...Tempting...but _Fox _did it already.

**Pain**...OK..OK...how about..._ "Expose That Baby_!" We take newborn babies with something _really _wrong with them and leave them in dangerous situations and have contestants guess which ones go _first?_

**Hades**.._...NBC _did it already...

**Pain**...Right!well...how about .._..."The Hottest Person In Ancient Greece?_" We get that dude Dadlalous to build _another_ giant hollow wooden cow and contestants climb in and, ya know, with volunteers from the audience and they have to guess which one was _who?_

Hades..._.ABC_ is doing that next_ Week..._

**Pain**{rubbing his forehead}...Sir...if you don't mind us saying ...maybe the whole myth deal was fraught with controversy...maybe what you need is a more ...updated .._.people_ pleasin' format.

**Panic**...Yeah...ya need to be more like..._Pro Active_ and _Jiggy._

**Hades**..._.Who_ the F&^%*! are_ they?_

**Pain**...He means, Sir, that this is a _Disney_ site, and it only makes sense to take advantage of...well...yer connections...

**Panic**...yeah...we were thinkin'...how about devoting a few shows to interviewing whole casts of other Disney movies?...you could even start with our _own_ movie-

**Hades**...You mention the "H" word I'll scoop you out and use you for a _vase!_

**Panic**... Well...OK, understood...but we've taken the liberty of contacting a few of the other stars, Sir...

**Hade**...Already?..._That_ was fast...OK ...ya got my attention...So? Bottom line it for me...

**Pain**...well... admittedly so far, not much luck- but we'll keep 's its a _**great**_ idea...we just have to strike the right nerve!

**Hades**...I'll strike a few nerves for ya!..hey!Whaddaya mean "not much luck?" who_ Would'nt_ wanna be on my show!

**Panic**.{consulting list}..Well...uh...Alice, Cinderella and Snow White are afraid of the dark. Pinocchio won't come unless you put yer hair out.

**Hades**...Huh?

**Panic**...He's **_very_** flammable. _And_ he said that you kept sneezing in his direction on_ purpose _at the last board meeting.Y{a know when you sneeze yer hair flames really go up and he...}

**Hades**... That's a LIE! if I sneezed it was probably cause he has sawdust for dandruff!

**Pain**...Well...moving on...Esmeralda and Pocahontus think yer gross. Quasimodo can't_ stand _looking at you.

Hades..._.*He's*_ gotta nerve!

**Pain**...Peter Pan has'nt forgiven you for those cracks you made about him and the Lost Boys.

**Hades**...Hey- if ya can't take the heat- _fly _outta the kitchen!

**Pain**...The Aladdin cast is unavailable...working on that musical deal in the New World...in some city state called ..."Kalifornia."...They probably want too much money anyway.

**Hades**...Belle's gang?

**Pain**... Sent a fax. "Be Our Guest... Go to _hell"_

**Hades**...Ariel?

**Panic**..._another_ fax..."Does'nt Wanna Be Part Of Your World." She did'nt like it when you referred to mermaids as "the _other _white meat."

**Hades.**...I can't _Believe_ this!there's got to be SOME cast in Disney's Pantheon that wants to be on the show!

**Panic**...we were thinking maybe you might try...just appealing to the_ villains,_ Sir...they can _never_ get a enough appreciation...and it would _seriously_ fit in nicely with your theme here...

**Hades**... Villains, huh? you mean like have a special "Villains" week, dedicated to the _real_ heros? the ones that actually keep the stories_ goin'?_ Hmmm ...Not bad...not bad at all...who do ya got? Ursula? The Wicked Queen? Malificent? _Please_ tell me you can book Maleficent!{drool}

**Panic**...Um...All three of them are outta town this month...bu, hey, looks like Captain _Hook's _available!

**Hades**{disappointed}Hook? A _pirate?_ a lousy, incompetant, mortal _pirate?_

**Pain**{encouragingly}...A pirate who murders_ children! _

**Hades**...well..._that _part's OK...but...ya know...he never _really _snuff's 'em, does he?

**Panic**...Not for lack of trying, Sir! he does his _darndest!_...in fact if ya think about it you and him have a _lot_ in common!

**Hades**...Huh?

**Panic**...Well, ya_ both_ wanna to take over a kingdom, and ya can't cause you both have to deal with obnoxious whitebread wonderboys who fly around in skirts and are_ too_ good too be true and _seriously _get on your nerves but somehow always manage to beat ya at every bend!

**Hades**...Probably because we're **_both_** surrounded by INCOMPETANT minions! Damn! That Smee is an _idiot! _Id' a sent him to the Happy Hunting Ground on Day _One!_ No good!I want someone a li'l more worthy of my time...

**Pain**{consulting his list...} Cruella De Ville? she's pretty famous...lots of sequels... tons of merchandise...how about doing a special salute to her? we could call it..._"Hellfire and Dalmatians!"_

**Hades**...Cruella de Ville?...hmmmm... I don't know... she's what I call a perfectly good _waste _of evil. She's mean... sneaky, manipulative, cruel ...utterly without a shred of moral fiber... she's got the black heart, the self indulgence and the vanity that says ..._"Outta my way babe, "Planet Me" has arrived!_...ya know...you can't_ teach_ that kind of evil! but what's it all _for?_ a _dog_ fur coat? one lousy black and white _dog fur coat? _not even _chinchilla? _I mean... don't get me wrong- I don't have problem with puppy skinning...{hey- it was my _major_.}...but to waste all that time and all that negative energy , to put people in _all_ that danger and cause _all _that misery and not even get a _kingdom_ out of it...?

Pain...You know, Hades, ...you _might_ consider the _Groove_ gang...

**Hades**...the _Groove_ gang...the _Groove_ gang.?...Yes..._Hmmm _...you might have something there...{for once}..hmmm..._The Emperor's New Groove_...you gotta point..._*that's* _probably the cast with which we have the_ most_ in common...stylized animation...smart ass humour...box office poison...*And* they're _pagans!._..Badda Bing!that's _always_ a plus!...we could see eye to eye on a lotta things!...yes...see if you could book the Groove gang- bring 'em on over...ya know, I _like _that Kuzko kid- he's a _rotten_ li'l SOB...there's lots of raw material to work with there...and ya gotta _love_ Yzma...{although what's the deal with her and _Kronk?_ huh? _That's_ something I don't need to watch!}

**Panic**...OK, Boss, can do ...but it might take a while to assemble a whole cast...in the _mean_ time...now that I think of it...{consulting the Belle fax}...we _might_ be able to get _Gaston_ ...it says here he's available, ya know...you might have a lot to talk about...

**Hades**..._.Gaston?..._Hmmmm...well..small potatoes...but, it's a start. OK, Boyos, send out the invite. Do whatever ya gotta do to book this guy, what's he... French? make with the fancy talk, send him champagne, flowers, cheese, a bucket of snails, _anything _it takes...HA!...yes...Book 'im...and see to the Groove Gang guys...and we'll _see _if we can't get those ratings back!_ Hotcha Cha!_


End file.
